On binaries and perfection
Hello, remember when i said i want to not wait to be perfect at something but just do it - and get better in the process? Well I fell into the perfection trap again.
I wanted to write one article each month but missed last month. And then I thought I’ve messed it up and I need to start all over again and so I kept waiting for the right moment to do so. I thought I’ll write on new years? I’ll write when i have time and headspace and depth in my thoughts and something worth writing about.
Boo.
The script is getting old.
So here I am rambling - get popcorn to enhance your experience.
This need for perfection has shown up in more than one ways in my life lately and I’ll throw light on some below:
decided to be a teaching assistant for a course in Economics. And needless to say, I self rejected instantly because I felt I had forgotten everything from my undergrad in economics (even though i was a well-performing student). But the fear wasn’t of what I didnt know. The fear was of the world (in this case some students) realising that I didn’t know something. And yet, I applied. Got the job. And…drumroll… did an average job at it initially. Had gotten a little rusty ngl. But, by the third and fourth time I was doing it, I performed much better - i would argue as best as any other person would.
moral of the story? You’ll suck at things because ur not a born genius and you HAVE TO START SOMEWHERE. You can choose to keep waiting to be adequately qualified. But, you’ll never know if you are unless you try. So i suggest you try, and there’s like a 99% probability that you’ll eventually get a hang of it. If u don’t, it’s not the end of the world. Go find something else to be mediocre at.
I strive for perfection in human relationships too. And the issue with that is that all humans (including me, ugh) are inherently flawed. So people are going to disappoint you and you are going to disappoint them. And that’s ok. If u try to hold them to unattainable standards you’re setting them up for failure.
I didn’t understand that until I was the put on the pedestal. And I am myself to blame for it partially. I tried to be everything in friendships. The one up to party, travel, not be emotional and messy, available 24×7. Until I got tired of performing. Moral - don’t try to be the perfect friend, and u wouldn’t ask for perfection in return. Everyone’s happy.
I want to be everything all at once. And as a professionally ambitious girl, it comes biting me in the ass when i try to be perfect at every task (whether it is my domain or not) because i really do have curiosity of a newly brought-home kitten. I want to know what others know and I want to do what others do. And if i don’t know or don’t do what others can, I take that as a stock characteristic. As if I am a computer only functions in the realm of binaries of 0 or 1. That either I have something in me or I don’t. But even (quantum) computers are evolving to work with more complex codes. What makes me think I can’t. Moral- there are endless fractional possibilities between 0 and 1 and the moment i try something new, i’m already one step ahead 0.
These are some 1am thoughts. Will not proof read for grammatical errors because gotta shoot first, correct later.
Also, song of the month is :
https://open.spotify.com/track/37Uxo75YZUGjCfV1WnZE4k?si=-hZJarbDSnuMLMqBrpEh6A
Here, take one more:
https://open.spotify.com/track/2w8h4UxNixZ48O5eYqXJ7w?si=SGwVaNb1Sxm6HLmdkmcpiw